I think I've found my life's credo...

In a random post on Facebook, I wrote the words that I was feeling at the moment...

I will always have room at my table for one more guest, room in my heart for one more friend, room in my house for one more child. Love, for certain, is infinite. You can always make more.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this statement, these simple little words, are completely what motivate me in my everyday life. They are my credo, the thing that keeps me going.

I want a full table all the time. I want a full heart all the time. I want a full house all the time. And despite my shortcomings, despite my challenges, I know that I want more children.

People give me a lot of "but"s. BUT you're a single mom without a man to help you. BUT you live on a librarian's salary that only goes so far. BUT you're blind as a bat and can't drive a car. BUT, BUT, BUT....

And my response is this...BUT there are people in my world who need to be fed. There are people in my world who need a friend. There are children in my world who need to be loved. And I am more than willing to comply. They may get mac n' cheese rather than filet mignon. They may get a friend who has kids attached to her and a lot of noise and chaos. They may have to take free swimming lessons at the Brigham Center and apply for scholarships when it's time for college. BUT they will also be loved unconditionally. They will always be safe and fed, valued for every single thing that they bring to this world, and forgiven for anything they don't. They will always have laughter and love and nice warm sweaters.

I realized today how much I like my life, how happy I am that I am who I am. I have many, many flaws and shortcomings. BUT I like that I thrive in spite of them. And I like that I've never accepted limitations on what I can do and who I can love. If I have my wish and my dreams come true....My table will always be full, my heart will always be open, and house will be teaming with friends and family and as many children as I can possibly provide a good life to.

Why Can't We Live in a Pottery Barn Catalog?

Some people lose themselves in a smutty romance novel, an exciting biography, a well written classic. Personally, I become completely enveloped in the Pottery Barn catalog.

I become literally mesmerized. This is the home that I want for myself and my kids. And I strive for it. I buy all the furniture, the rugs and quilts, the window coverings, the accessories. I even paint in the same colors.

But for some reason, mine just doesn't look the same. I bought the baskets with pretty pink gingham, but the toys don't find their way back to them as they always do in the catalog. I bought the bed and the beautiful linens, but I never have time to make the bed like it's always made in the catalog. And let's not even get started on the livingroom. The gorgeous PB rug is under there somewhere, but we can't even find it underneath all of the clutter.

I've cut these pages out of my catalog, and I have them hanging throughout the house. They are my inspiration. They are what lies beneath the mess if I can ever get it cleaned up.

In the meantime, however, I will lose myself in the beautiful, fanciful pictures. It reminds me of that song from the 70's, "Angie Baby" (yes, I'm old). Remember? She got sucked into her radio and had to live there forever? As long as I'm able to bring my kids, our cats, and my photo albums, I would gladly take the trip to my current Pottery Barn catalog! hahaha If I should happen to ever go missing, check your PB catalog for a mom, two kids and two tiger cats. There we will be living happily ever after :)

Just some random pictures for those who have asked...

"Operation Garbage Bag"...

So, we're taking the first major step in getting our house in order. We're calling it "Operation Garbage Bag".

I hate to say it, but half of the stuff we have in this house doesn't even have a purpose anymore. Coloring pages that are half done, "Happy Meal" toys, pieces to puzzles that have somehow outlived the puzzle itself. And even the kids agree that they need to go.

So we're carrying a garbage bag around, room to room, mess to mess. Whenever we see something that needs to leave, we throw it in the bag. If it's something that we think someone else could use, we put it either in the "tag sale" bin or the "Goodwill" bag. But sadly, much of the mess really does need to go into the garbage. So far, I've put 5 bags out for garbage day; two with the girls' blessing and three without their knowing (Gramma and Papa took the girls for the afternoon while Mommy "got busy" on the livingroom.) But I have to say, the kids are actually being more cooperative than I was expecting. Even they are starting to feel a little bogged down. And I've given them quite the incentive....Once the house is clean, they can invite their friends over whenever they want.

And that really is one of my major incentives right now. One of my friends, actually the wife of one of my cousins, posted on Facebook that her house, at the time, was filled with a bunch of kids. I'll be honest, it made me cry. I want MY house to be a house where everyone can come to hang out. But right now, that's just not possible. My close friends know what my house looks like, and they know they are always welcome. They always come over, and they never judge. But I can't invite people over who aren't that close, friends from school, friends from camp, friends whom I'm sure really wouldn't care about the mess; but I care about the mess. It embarresses me.

So here's to a new beginning! Here's to, among other things, "Operation Garbage Bag"!

Where it all began...

I suppose I should begin with where it all started, the two most amazing, beautiful days I've known. The only two days in all my life where the entire universe made sense...

SoccerGirl became my daughter in December of 2002. No words can ever describe how my life changed that day, how I changed that day. Sometimes I think that the moment they placed her in my arms was the moment that I truly was born.

SoccerBaby, okay so she's not such a baby, but she will always be my baby, came to us in January of this year. She was a little more challenging, not quite sure how she felt about me. That can happen when your new daughter is almost 5 years old! But that was okay. From the moment I saw her beautiful smile, I loved enough for the both of us.

And so our blog begins....

I'm not sure why I'm starting a blog...I don't have the time, energy or organization to balance what I have going on already! But I'm feeling the need to start one.

My life is in chaos. For extremely good reasons, but still in chaos. And I'm starting to feel stressed. Okay, I've always felt stressed; but it's finally starting to interfere with my happiness. I have a wonderful life, two amazing children, a good job, a cute little home (and I mean little!) and good health. But I can honestly say that I'm not enjoying any of it as much as I should because I've let stress, confusion, clutter and an over-abundance of everything take over.

And I've finally reached the point where I need to say: STOP! This isn't working anymore. We have too much of everything and no place to keep it. We have bills through the roof, and not enough money to pay them. We have 72 hours worth of stuff to do in a 24 hour day. I seriously feel like I spend my entire life trying to fit a size 14 woman into a size 2 jean. It simply can't be done.

And so I begin my journey. A journey to simplicity, to minimalism, to a place in the heart where it's not about "things", or "over abundance" or rushing through life so quickly that you miss the joy. I want to enjoy my kids again, my home, our family and friends. Our house is usually such a mess that we can't invite people over (am I alone in this?), and I'm always so busy trying to get "caught up" that we just keep falling more and more backwards.

But not anymore. Today is the day that things change; that I change. I'm going to find a better life for myself, for my kids, and for those who share a life with us. There has to be a better way than this.

Peace and love.